My clairvoyance is not what I would call reliable, not usually, but I have a feeling that worries me. The difficulties facing this group increase, and I wonder, not whether or not CrIsis can complete the task before us, but whether I will still be alive to see it.
This is not a matter for depression. This is not reason to lose hope. It is only a reason to worry about the legacy that I am leaving behind. My life has been long and full. While I have never had a family of the sort that some men pursue with abandon, I have served the light well and truly for the length of it.
This is something the two of us share, I well know. We have devoted our lives to the gods of light. You were thrust early into the observation of the world while I took my time, mostly sticking to the wings, as it were. The stage will call us all eventually, even if it is only for a curtain call.
Have you ever wondered if there was another path for your life? If maybe you wouldn’t have been happier in another line of work?
It is only now, in the twilight of my years that I truly wonder what could have been, and I wonder at what course my life could have taken in all the possibilities that might have been. While I would never begrudge the life I have lived, I wonder if I wouldn’t have been happier if I never left Avramstown. I could have happily lived my life, assisting the poor and being a light in the darkness that hopelessness brings to people’s souls.
Do you ever wonder what life would have given you, had you not taken up the call?
I know that it’s not something that a polite person asks, because a polite person wouldn’t want an answer to such a deeply personal question. I’ve never been a polite person, even if I try to be a kind one. That and I’m truly curious as to what you dream about in the moments when doubt claims you, or when you’re lying awake and trying to sleep.
I take this time, not knowing if you shall respond while I yet remain in this world, to tell you that I have appreciated our long acquaintance. You have been my longest term friend. If I am to have a eulogy, then I wish for you to give it for me. Tell them that I have tried…never mind.
I trust you to tell them the truth, and the truth is what I would have spoken of me. You well know I was never perfect, but I tried.
If this is to be my last message to you, then know that you are my friend now and forever. Take heart. I won’t tell you to keep the faith, for your faith is greater than mine. Be of good cheer.