Mary, my sweetheart, my lover,
Llorn wanted me to apologize to for being a friend of Wolfen and cousin to the king of Bizantium, so here is a letter to them for RUINING MY TIME WITH YOU!!!
My apology to the citizens of Llorn,
I Captain Overkill, honored sailor of Haven, want to apologize to the City of Llorn for the dried crusty asses that you have to live under.
Being so far from war of the Disputed Lands between the noble Wolfen and noble soldiers of Eastern Territories, you have lost sight of what war does to people and lands. I am just sorry that you have to serve under such assbags who have lead you blindly with out telling you of what a free and peaceful thought it would be if you could sue for peace. Now I would name leaders by name but you beautiful people know who I talk of.
It has been too long since I was a real sailor and sailor tongue, so here it is. I wanted to have a peaceful discussion about some issues that are approaching the majestic city; however the leaders of this fine city refused to discuss the issue and wanted to push funds and us out of town. That is why dear people is why I didn’t get to spend time with my beloved and was robbed of the refund that was owed us.
To the leaders of Lorn, I say you should have been properly disciplined as children in how to treat honored guests. We got better treatment on the streets of Llorn then in the castles of Llorn. I’d gladly spend a hundred nights in a bad part of town then ever be invited in the homes of Thurgood, Amhar, the Duke, or anyone else of leadership that is so crass and indignant.
To the lords of this fine city, the next time I go through the city, you either kill me or show me some respect because as of now I commission all the house of Redbeard and Goldenbeard (my cousins) to cease transactions with Llorn until a real apology can be issued from the leaders. I will never set foot in your blessed beautiful city again until then and as a dwarf that can be a long time.
Yada yada yada….
Anyways that’s the letter that I am sending. I am so sorry Mary for standing you up that night. I know it’s been a week and I am writing you from Wisdom down river. Return to your home and wait for me there. Never return to Llorn. I am sorry that you wasted your money and time. I am sorry that you only got one kiss and a small chance to see me. I wanted it to be so long I could hold you all that night, instead I was falsely arrested (almost jailed) and ushered out of town (not before being taxed on the way out). I have never hated humans (and loved them so much) in my entire life. I almost swore off the whole place till the bankers guild that I was visiting asked for autographs and the kind elf was willing to do business with us (though he had problems with Greminor, go figure). The gods of light are with us but sometimes there is a serious need for reality so they watch us encounter real jerks.
As you return to home, please forgive me for what happened. I take full responsibility for what happened as I am a member of CrIsis. We are having such success in gathering Osiris that it will be over soon. I know that it’s has been nearly two years; the first quarter of that was you and I; good times. I hope that the rest of our lives (the several hundred) will be full of bliss. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Should you need the comfort of a man please do; I give you my permission. Personally I would ask you to spend time with my family and really get to know them. It will lighten your loneliness. In the meantime I will be vigilant to get this honorable task done.
Written by Overkill on the 31st of Corg the 1st year of King Minischmee.
Picture from Chaosran.