Even after forty years I still find myself restless when I have nothing specific to do. While still at the monastery I would bury myself in the routine, hoping that eventually it would become a true part of my psyche. Instead I found that as each day of the routine turned into another it became more and more difficult to continue that same calming routine.
I began to look at the monks around me as if they were targets. I’d catch myself imagining what it would be like to rip their heads from their shoulders and bathe in the steaming blood that issued from their severed throats.
But these are not the thoughts that a monk should think. I should not think such thoughts.
Again, I find myself wondering such thoughts, and without my routine, it becomes very grating upon me.
The Wolfen, contrary to the opinion of some humans, are not the savages that I’d hoped they would be. I am a lone savage in the sheep’s clothing of my order.
I even pick the white to enhance the effect. I doubt anyone else gets the joke.
It is the best that I can do to keep from trying to kill Robert the Just and take the woman Morgan as my own. I feel the urge even now to mate. I doubt it is the drive I knew from my adolescence. It is more likely just a habit. Even so, we are still a week or so away from that time.
I always feel more restless at these times of year. It is usually when I go on a long retreat away from the monastery, so I am sure no one will miss me for months yet, but I am not on my own this time.
I considered visiting the brothel in town, but I am unsure of my control. The local constabulary would look unkindly if the Fancy Ladies started turning up dead.
If only there were some charitable works I could do, but in the Wolfen Kingdom even those are denied me.
I’ve taken, instead, to hitting Ood a little more than in necessary. She’s never been more tractable than she’s become since our enforced rest.
I take her to hunt in the woods around Me’zfii Onh , and I know she’s happy for the added fodder.
I have not eaten since I arrived.
I am trying to purify my thoughts even as I purify my body.
It has been almost three weeks since I last ate or drank, and I know that it is probably about time I actually consumed something.
More and more the thought of eating Robert seems to be a good idea.
The remaining members of CrIsis have returned finally, and I saw the man I will be replacing. The drives that were pushing me have also eased for another six months. I breathe so much easier now that again I control my body, and not these drives that would make me, again, a murderer.
Time will show me if I am a good fit with these misfits, but I relish the challenge. After all, I’ve already subsumed thousands of years of evolution. What are this group’s prejudices compared to that.
Image from the website of Dr. Paulose