I have died and been pulled back from the very brink. What marvelous companions I have, that they are able to do even this. That death itself should flee before us. Should I think myself amazed at this? No, for a God was sent scurrying, why shouldn’t we send death himself packing?
Fighting in the streets is nothing like fighting in the arena. In the arena, you are sure of the direction of your opponents, and you can prepare your tactics before hand, so acting the brute is just that, acting. While we fought on the rain slicked and wind swept tower of the Tri-Arcanum guild, however, I truly became the brute. With nothing more on my lips than ‘Grignak Smash,” I stepped through an electrical barrier. Had I taken even a mere moment more of consideration, I could have avoided that death.
Lucky for me, my companions were there to make up for my folly, but isn’t that what we have companions for? No Troll is an Island, no matter how large he think himself to be, and neither is a Were-human or a Minotaur, for all that said minotaur is now a demi-god.
One thing is sure, I shan’t be worshiping at the shrine of Xerx’ses anytime soon. Not that he’s not a great guy, but that’s the problem. He’s still just a man, no matter how much esteem he gains. Like all of us, he has failings. The greatest failing he has, for a God at least, is his humility. It makes him a wonderful traveling companion, but it will not stand him well in the Pantheon if he is always self-deprecating.
That being said, I wonder if there isn’t room for a god that is more worried about the welfare of his followers than his own prestige. Don’t get me wrong. I still worship her lady Bast, but like all the gods, she is fickle. It is up to us to meet their expectations, not the other way around.
I did not intend to be so introspective when I began writing this, but could it be that I am not introspective enough. I enjoy teasing Xer’xses with my proclivities, but how much of those are who I am, and how much of those is what was inflicted upon me during my captivity.
One thing I truly know, is that I love Kat. She is a tempestuous and passionate individual, and she challenges all my preconceptions. She’s been doing that since she was a slave at my side. Now she is mistress of the dungeon, and still I hold a spot in my heart for her, though I likely shouldn’t. My letters to her are too infrequent. So much time has past, and yet, still I hold for her a torch in my heart brighter than the torch of Isis that I wear on my finger.
I wonder, what does the future hold for us, the members of CrIsis. It would seem, from a comment made by the gods that should any of us reach a regard sufficient to reach demi-god status, that it shall be granted us. Is that something in store for me? Do I want it to be in store for me?
I enjoyed being a slave. So many fewer choices. So much easier to just maim people and ignore the consequences. Out here in the world there are nothing but consequences. Many of them will lead me to my death…
There is nothing to fear in death. I have lived a full life, doing what I loved and being surrounded by people who I cared for, and cared for me. I’ve not had any children, but I can’t mourn the loss of something I’ve never wanted, nor ever expected to have.
Maudlin is not in my nature, but this introspection bull shit is enough to try and make me so. Too much time with quill and ink, I say. Were this not essentially a permanent record I would burn the last few pages and begin again, but permanent it is. Fine. Let the world see that even men of action can have moments of self doubt.
We are none of us perfect. Thankfully so. If our enemies were perfect, and we still as flawed, then this would be a much harder proposition than it currently stands. Oh how I love exploiting my enemies flaws. As of yet, our enemies have not realized how to exploit ours. Let them remain foolish and think that strength is the only power that matters.
That being said, I need to work more on my tactics. The less the brute and the more the man of letters I am on the battlefield, the less chance our enemies will have of actually taking us out. I look forward to sending more souls to another plane of existence.
Written by Grignak in his personal journal.