I find that I have reached the end of what I can really say is my usefulness. My presence has allowed CrIsis to come together as a cohesive unit, but that group doesn’t seem to include me. I find that I am the one to blame for this, and of course I am right.
For once in a long time Apis agrees with me. Not about my usefulness, I am sure, but more about the fact that I sow more dissension than I am solving. I am supposed to be a peace keeper in this party, and have been more of a firebrand. I am so used to resolving issues on my own, with only myself to rely upon, that I do not know how to act as simply one more part of a group.
I really thought that I understood people.
Apis took from me my weapons. I am so embarrassed that I can’t, even now, tell the group. She also took my bracelet, that same bracelet that caused me so much consternation before, but had since become a part of who I saw myself in this group. It might also have contributed a lot to how I came to this point.
My axes as well. I relied more upon them than I did upon my compassion and mind, tools that I have begun to allow to atrophy. I have donated all of the funds I could to the church, as CrIsis has been blessed with increase beyond what we are worthy. It still eats at me. This need to give back will not leave me alone, and the more frustrated I get, the more I have to give.
Apis has told me that I am dedicating my life to the gods, and I should not worry about this, but I do worry. I only originally worked as a collector so that I could afford to devote the rest of my life to the support of those who were less fortunate than myself.
As I felt myself getting closer to that goal, Apis sent me to join CrIsis.
It is time that I simply took care of the poor. I need to learn how to really deal with people. I need to learn how to be really charitable. You don’t need money to survive, and comfort is a lie you tell yourself so that you feel okay with yourself about earning the money.
To truly serve others, you just need to serve. That is what I now plan on doing. When we return to Me’zfii Onh I will be leaving the group to fend for themselves. They will do that very well, I am sure.
My new axe tells me that he will not be able to go with me, as I would starve should I strike off on my own with him in my possession. I shall be leaving him in my room on Matilda. I hope that he will be safe there.
That isn’t something that I can worry about. I must look toward my own future, and I hope that I can achieve this without the need to resort to weapons. Leaving them behind me should assist in this.
Posted by Rell on Majestic the 19th in the 341st year of the Eastern Dominion