The Gods do not want me here. Not all of them, anyway.
Then why did they call me?
The Gods are angry with me; how I could have angered them so?
I am not worthy of anything, and have no business here.
Merciful Lady, I have sinned in what I have thought and said, in the wrong I have done and in the good I have not done. I have sinned in ignorance; I have sinned in weakness; I have sinned through my own deliberate fault. I am truly sorry. I repent and turn to you. Forgive me, and renew me to the glory of your name.
Rurga is not my friend, yet she wants me as a follower? In what way does this make any sense? I offend her, I offend my gods, she doesn’t like me, but I would make a great follower?
Clearly, there is a deeper game being played here.
I must be cautious.
Have mercy on me, Great Lady, In your goodness, in your abundant compassion, blot out my offense. Wash away all my guilt. From my sin cleanse me.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure, wash me, make me whiter than snow. Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Turn away your face from my sins, blot out all my guilt.
Where there once was color, there is nothing but grey.
Where there once was joy, or sorrow, or even purpose of being, there is now nothing.
I am hollow.
A clean heart create for me, Great Lady. Renew in me a steadfast spirit. Do not drive me from your presence, nor take from me your holy spirit. Restore my joy in your salvation, sustain in me a willing spirit.
A clean heart?
A steadfast spirit?
Restore my joy?
Great Lady, make me one with your eternal mystery and take me, finally, into the light.
It would be so nice to be dead.
I will remain, and attempt to do thy will.