Hmm? Oh, you want me to sit still? I have to…oh, no, sorry, I’ve never had someone paint my picture…oh and you’re writing down my words? That is so…
Have you seen the sunshine out today? It’s beautiful in it’s own way. I loved the sunrise. It was a fiery gold that went on for ages. Of course I danced this morning. I could…but dancing is fun! Fine!…
No, fine, I’ll stop pouting, but I think I look cure when I pout. How do I know? Well, I looked at myself in the still water of the pond and I practiced. Yes, I know, that smile was cute too. Yes, same reason. What, you’re telling me that you don’t practice all your best expressions in the still water…no, I’ve never heard of a mirror…I’m not stupid you know. I figured from your reference that it was a surface that reflected…that is as big as I am. How would you expect me to be able to lift that?
Oh, you just wanted me to see it. Well, I can understand that. Are you sure you don’t want to dance? Oh…well…I guess if it means I can get out of here sooner. Is anyone else hot? I can cool all of us off with my win…oh, I’ve done that already. Well, I had to do something. Sitting still is boooooring.
No, it so happens I’m eight…of course I’m fully grown. You wouldn’t expect an immortal being to have to mature would you…oh, you would. Well, have you ever actually seen a baby fairy…I’m fully aware of what laughing does to my bosom. Would you like a closer look?
Has anyone ever told you that you’re no fun. Yes, I meant to pout. It breaks up the monotony…well, we spring forth fully grown, of course. Life would be so much more interesting if you humans did the same thing. Your children have a much better grasp upon what matters than you do.
Well, of course there are new fairies. When a fairy mommy and a fairy daddy…ok, so this isn’t a how question as more of a why question. You do know we can be killed, right? Well, if every fairy who ever was or would be had already been born, then I’d have to assume we’d all be dead by this point. We tend to incur the wrath of the big folk, after all…oh, really, you’re not mad? I can see your nostrils flaring from here….not that I should be surprised. They are cavernous after all. I mean, do you have to use a ladle to pick that nose? Instead of being a scholar, why don’t you hire yourself out to a sailing vessel.
Huh? Oh, well, you know…for becalmed weather…all they’d need would be some pepper…look if I have to spell it out for you…sorry, but see, you just made me angry…of course I practiced that pose. How else would I give you just the barest glimpse…well, fine. I’ll sit still…for five minutes you say? Ok, I’ll sit here for five minutes.
Dum, de…has it been five minutes yet? But it’s soooo looooong. By the way, I can think of something else that must be long, considering your…wow, he’s already blushing and I never even got to the good part. Humans are so easy.
Oh, so you really want me to sit here quietly for five minutes. I thought that was more of a, you know, guideline. You know, as long as I don’t change my pose…did I mention that sitting still is boring?
My name? But you already know…oh, you want it in fairy…well why didn’t you…oh, yes, you just did. It’s Hannarataleriarehsodiaforimlinia. Hmm? I told you, it means Blue Bell. Of course it means Blue Bell…oh, you want a direct translation…no, I’m not scowling, I’m thinking. Of course I look like I’m in pain, or angry or something. I don’t like thinking. When you start thinking, then all these consequence things sort of come at you, and you have to worry if you’re doing the ‘right thing’…oh, the air quotes? No idea where I picked that up. I think it was from a ranger or something.
Why wouldn’t I hang out with another ranger? Yes, of course I’m a ranger…well, I’d show you my badge, but I keep it in my other pants…oh, you realized that all on your own, did you, or could it be you’ve been trying to sneak a peek under that skirt all afternoon…Yes, I realize it hasn’t even been 5 minutes yet, because if it had been five minutes, you’d let me leave.
Thought you’d forgotten that. The problem isn’t that I’m trying to come up with a nice way of saying no, it’s that I’m trying how to say yes. Fairy isn’t the same as your human languages…no it’s not like dragon…not it’s dragon. We fairies have been around long enough to name things correct…I know I’m only eight years old. Are you slow or something…I meant in the head…nevermind. My best insults would just be wasted upon someone of truly staggering mental dwarfism as seems to have been inflicted upon the parents who would condescend to bring the blinding lack of brilliance that stands, well towers at least, above me at this very moment.
A fairy must have perfect pitch…no, this isn’t a tangent, I’m explaining some of the background. Of what? Of language you dolt. I mean seriously, if you’re not going to pay at…ok, fine, but I was just getting into a nice tirade, and beginning to really huff and puff…you’re no fun, you know that. It’s one of my better poses. I call it ‘Sexy in an Angerferno.’ No, the air quotes were there I just didn’t feel like using my fingers that time.
See, that was a tangent. I’m explaining this so that you can recognize it the next time it happens.
A fairy must have perfect pitch…really? you don’t say…I mean, if you hadn’t just interrupted me, we might actually have gotten past the first sentence.
A fairy must…ha ha ha. Now you’re trying to make the fairy mad? Really? Have you ever seen a fairy mad? Yeah, I don’t pose when I’m really angry. I just end you.
Afairymusthaveperfectpitch! HA! finished. The reason for this is simply the fact that we were made that way. It is important, though, because our language was made for us as well…of course fairies were made. You think magical perfection like this just ‘happened’? Yes, of course I grabbed…it takes two hands…one each. You really are slow.
A fairy…just kidding. Our language, as I mentioned, was made for beings with perfect pitch. That means that we understand what pitch is being spoken…yes of course. It is the same as what you call song. It’s closer to chanting, but whatever.
So, as I said, we have twelve pitches that any syllable can be spoken at, and about three hundred syllables…I just did. Just because I was referring to the future as the past doesn’t give you leave to glare.
So, when spoken correctly, there are over three thousand syllables in fairy speak. The average word is twelve syllables long.
Why? Because how else do you say ‘a dark blue flower on the bottom of a green stem in a group of it’s fellows hanging suspended in the pearly mist of a pre-dawn twilight on the third day after the spring equinox’ in less than…shut up, I’m counting…forty-six syllables. It only takes sixteen in fairy speak. Of course it’s what Hannarataleriarehsodiaforimlinia means, but since you would simplify the ‘dark blue flower on the bottom of a green stem in a group of its fellows’ to Blue Bell, I did it for you…I’ll answer to Hannah as well. It’s prettier than Blue Bell.
Hmm? Oh, well I don’t like being called Blue Bell, and I’ll take just about any option I’m offered.
Oh, no, I’m not upset or anything. Just thinking. Yes, the whole hummingbird-in-a-typhoon is tiring…to you humans. I just occasionally like to stop and look at the world around me. Since I have to sit here and wait while your artist friend finishes painting my portrait. I saw that look you two just shared. I mean if you two…I don’t judge. It’s a big world and everyone needs love somewhere…
You’re faces, I mean, that is a joke. That right there, that expression. Worth It!
Gods? Oh, well, don’t you think that’s kind of private? You big folk have a really strange sense of propriety. I mean covering up the gifts that are meant to be shared, and sharing those personal, sacred things that are meant to be private.
I’ve seen some of you wear the symbols of your gods like a badge on a shield or sleeve.
Of course fairies are religious. Just because you have sex in the bedroom doesn’t mean it never happened, or you’d never propagate the species. So, just because we keep our religion ‘in the bedroom’ as it were doesn’t mean we don’t worship.
Oh, you’re done? Thank goodness. You wasted a whole half the morning already…what? I never answered your question? If I answer, then will you let me go…not that you could really stop me…fine. I worship…no. I’m not hedonistic. I’m pretty straitlaced, for a fairy.
I was flirting. I mean, it’s not like I really could…eww. That’s just nasty. You have a dirty mind. I wouldn’t want to…even if I didn’t think that was about the most perverted thing I ever heard…I wouldn’t want to have sex with you. Of any sort…No, that was a real shudder. Thanks. Now I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.
Isis? I’m flattered, but no. We’re just too flighty for a studious b…road like her. Same goes for Thoth of course…that and my people still haven’t forgiven him for…look at the time. I’ve really got to…of course I worship the pantheon of Ra. What do I look like to you? A Spriggan?
Fine…and yes that was an artful sigh, wasn’t it? Apis? Really? I’m not a pixie either. They raised that squalling brat…I mean pretty collector for her not too long ago.
Really? Because I’m a girl I have to worship a female deity? Haven’t you noticed that most of the worshipers of Bast are men? Oh, really? It seems that way on most of her feast days.
Just kidding. Yes, I worship Bennu. By the way. I’m leaving now. Bye.
Additional faerie foods:
Water of Darkness: Makes someone extremely sensitive to sunlight. Takes 1d4x10 damage per melee round. Requires actual sunlight not magic sunlight from ANY source. If drunk by vampire, reverses the effect. Darkness damages, walk in day.
Braided French Bread: Forcibly braids all hair on a person’s body. No other effects. 2d4 days. Acts as curse.
The process used to make this cheese by the Shandalan Monks results in large gas bubbles in the cheese resulting in a firm white cheese with a number of holes in it. Because of the Monks who make it, and the lack of overall solidity, this cheese is often nicknamed Holy Cheese.
When a Fairy makes Holy Cheese it gains a number of properties that are not entirely beneficial to the imbiber. Unlike many of the fairy foods, this one has a relatively short duration (1d6+1 hours). When consumed the individual begins to radiate a holy aura and glow. This glow results in a -20% penalty to all prowl rolls. If this is eaten by a minion of taut or supernatural creature then it causes 1 damage per melee for 2d6 melee rounds.
The first weapon that is wielded by the imbiber will become a holy weapon, if it wasn’t already, for the remainder of the duration and gain +1d6 damage to minions of taut or supernatural creatures. This bonus is in addition to other bonuses the weapon may or may not have.
The person who eats the cheese will have a tendency to be ‘saintly’ to an almost ridiculous extent for the duration of the effect. They will do their best to never lie, help old ladies across the street, and donate large sums of money to the church whenever reasonable and so forth.
This doesn’t supercede their free will, and they can fight against it, but they really REALLY want to be ‘that guy’