To: tall dark, and handsome!
Hi, my name is Aley.. err… Eyes. Im a pirate, and I’ve been part of the Crew of the Matilda… Rogtilda?… for several months, now. Really, the reason i got into piracy was ‘cause my douchebag of an ex boyfriend was a sea captain, and I caught him ‘rigging’ his first mate. So, just to spite him, I hired and aided some… er… shady guys… loot and pillage his ship while I was on watch.
I was all like… “YEAH, WHAT? BRING IT, SUCKAH. Yes-ey ucks-fay oo-yay nenymore-ay!!!!!!!!” … Sorry for that. I don’t know what that was.
So, the next morning, guards came to my house all like, “Ur under arrest 4 piracy. Come with us, k?” And I was all like, “But weren’t they ‘free wares?’ I could’ve sworn the captain told me I could ‘share’ his ‘wares.’” But they were all like, “No, Ur goin ta jail, mkay? and u could b fined like 250k gold, or b in jail for up 2 5 years.” So I bolted.
That’s when I met the crew members of CrIsis. They seemed like cool guys, and I wasn’t on a crew anymore, so I couldn’t really be picky, could I?
I could tell that only one of the guys there knew anything about boats, and he reminded me of stories I’d heard of the infamous dwarven pirate clans of the north.
So, long story short, (too late,) I got hired on and have been with CrIsis for a while.
That pretty much brings us to when we landed in New Crests, and Honeysuckle, one of the old crew of the dwarf, asked if I wanted to help her get her old crew, together. I was all like “Aww yeah! Party up in here.” and she was all like, “What?” and I was embarrassed. (I am such an idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.) Ok, all better.
We made our way to the city of Peningshir. It took us a while, but these CrIsis guys are loaded, and they gave us a butt load of coins, so we got there in style.
Upon arriving, Honeysuckle said we knew someone in the area. I thought she was crazy, for how far inland it was, but I didn’t say anything. Next thing you know, we’re stopping in front of the biggest white marble boob I’d ever seen! It was crazy, all polished and gleaming. It even had a little point up top that had a flag attached to it. Had to have been a male architect, of course…
Anywho, Honeysuckle led us up the wide marble steps to the gatesman. “We’re lookin for Quixis. He here?” she said to him all nonchalantlike. I couldn’t have done something like that. I’m not a worrier, but I’m very neurotic and self-conscious. I don’t do well with… people… And places… and things. Which is odd, as I am a sailor, that deals with all three of those all the time.
Ok, so the gatesman was all like, “Oh, yoo meaahn Seeeeehhh Quixis OOOOhhhhhtey.” In like a really snooty eastern kingdom’s accent. Like REALLY Snooty. “THE Sir Quixis Ote is not seeing anyone today. He has better things to do with his time than talk to vagabonds and pirates. Be gone with you.”
Honey suckle wasn’t about to take that lying down, so she yelled at the top of her lungs, “QUIXIS! YOU ANYWHERE? WE’RE WITH CRISIS! QUIXIS, YOU THERE??” and I was in my mind going like “Oooh, head shot, mr. gatesman. And a left, then a right. Bang, right in the family jewels. In your face!!!” But of course I didn’t say anything. To skip the uncomfortable blathering of the gatesman, I’ll just say he eventually got Quixis.
“Thou sayest that thou art with CrIsis, my ladies? Please, give proof, that I must needs not refute. I haven’t the time to deal with pretenders and charlatans. But if thine story beest true, I shall give aid to the utmost extent of my ability. Prithee, Speak. I must hear thee prove thine story. I do apologize for the need, fair maidens of travels so far, but these are trying times, and one must needs gain assurances. Hasten thine responses, for mine time is short, and my duties vast. Yea, verily I say unto thee, if thou art from CrIsis, prove thine acquaintance, and I shall aid thee, for mine friendships are few but strong, and those of CrIsis be stronger yet than most. Again I say unto you, I apologize for the need, due to the dire circumstances, and so forth…” he went on for at least an hour and a half like so… but it’s okay. He was crazy cute.
I stuttered something like “uh… hi…. uh… um…. rigging?” But Honeysuckle was on the ball. She gave a few stories of Overkill that the knight accepted it.
So, having gotten the Paladin out of the giant boob building, we asked him to help us find members of Overkill’s old crew. He told us of three that had ended up around Peningshir, Saerala Crystaldagger, En Double, and Lattaronike.
The first, Saerala Crystaldagger.
She actually headed up the Thieve’s guild in P-shire. With some digging, we found her hideout, and challenged her to a duel of the pink belly. This was the only way that she would accept the summons to the North.
Duel of the Pink Belly is thus: The two contestants have their eyes and ears tamped. Then, one of them is slapped bare-stomached repeatedly by a neutral third party, until they cry “GIVE!” This will result in a reddening of the midriff, thus ‘Pink Belly.’ Then the other is given a pink belly, until GIVE is cried. The one that lasted the longest is the winner. On Pirate Ships, there are professional Pink Bellies, those that have hands rough as stone, and hard as steel, whose sole purpose it is to drink too much and slap people’s bellies. There have been those that last so long that the skin is torn, but generally the worst that happens is a welt that makes work hard for a week.
My ex boyfriend douchebag liked to Pink Belly as foreplay, so I could outlast anyone. Needless to say, I won, and Saerala rejoined the crew! We gave her the purse of Overkill’s gold and sent her on her way.
The second, En Double.
En Double was an actor that moonlighted as an impostor and grifter. He just wanted a romp in the hay with Sir Quixis Ote as payment for joining, but Quixis refused. He settled for Honeysuckle (who he originally thought was a deformed dude dwarf.)
We found him in the playhouse acting out a one-woman show about sapphic love. Strange, because he had a very vicious reputation! His name used to inspire fear in the hearts of sailors. But, apparently it was a rouse, started by his crewmates. Honeysuckle had always wanted to ‘turn him’ she said, saying he’d be the best husband, but I don’t get it. That whole situation was weird beyond belief.
The third, Lattaronike
Was the owner of a very lucrative transport company stationed out of Peningshir. She created an entirely new system for transporting she called “Overnighting.” She sent shipments with double the compliment of drivers, and triple the compliment of guards, and they would not stop the wagon for anything. She set up horse stations along the route, and they would only stop the wagons for the 5 meals she set up. There were other things she talked about, but it all sounded dry and very non-pirate. Then, I saw the ‘Black Ledger’ she had, tucked under her chair cushion. Anyway, she sold the entire company to Quixis, for about the price he’d make back for the Knights of Light in 6 months, and went off to start an ‘underground transit’ in Bizantium, though I’m not sure how easy that would be. Seems like a lot of dirt to me.
Anywho, Honey and I made our way back to Matilda just in time for a ragged and beaten-down CrIsis to demand we leave again.
Well, I’ll talk to you later sweet cheeks.
Picture 1:AZ Rune
Picture 2:Wallpaper Fo