Campaign of the Month: April 2012
Rahu-Man Wizard, Follower of Osiris
Complete character sheet is Here.
Magnus “Runeslinger” Voltaire stands a lofty eighteen feet tall. He has a sun-darkened, swarthy complexion. He has four tree-trunk thick arms that are corded with supernaturally strong muscles. Concealed beneath his stately mage-attire and silk robes is a svelte, chiseled musculoskeletal physique that even Osiris envies (not having a torso plays heavily into this). He can typically be seen hefting two iron-shod poles – makeshift wagon-axles – in each set of his hands. The gargantuan Rahu-Man is learned in the ways of the law, skilled in the arts of rhetoric and oration, and well-versed in matters-arcane. He has learned to play to his strengths and often uses the deception of magical guises and facades to limit the amount of exposure his true form actually gets. Sometimes, it suits his purpose to look imposing; oftentimes it is far better to appear quiet, unassuming, and…human.
Runeslinger’s disposition is optimistic. He is cool, calm, collected, and composed under pressure. His casual self-reliance, incredible intellect, and determined pragmatism have been his only companions for the last hundred years (his first hundred). The giant is gregarious, cordial, and well-mannered. He prays to Osiris and follows the god’s teachings as if they were his own. As a former professor he knows all too well what happens when people invest too heavily or rely too frequently on the whims of the gods. He takes his duties seriously, is honorable, respects authority (especially his own), and knows how to have fun. Runeslinger once said, “…the destination is only important insofar as its determination of your pragmatic path. The journey is what truly matters but we cannot have a journey without a destination in mind.”
(Publicly spoken by Magnus “Runeslinger” Voltaire, Jurisprudentia Doctor, distinguished professor emeritus, formerly of the Academy of Arcane Law, at the Harvest Festival dais – center-stage podium, Old Kingdom – a yearly festival that celebrates life, fertility, and the harvest – he rolled 09% on his Public Speaking, cast Aura of Power, Charismatic Aura, and donned his most elegant, stately robes to deliver this treatise to the enthralled masses. This is but a brief snippet. The whole treatise, in its entirety, should only be read aloud under the very close supervision of a priest of Osiris.)
Can you imagine the look on my father’s face when confronted with the spread-legged reality a gaping glimpse gave him into his primogenital-legacy. His first ponderous thoughts encouraged an inventory of life and limb: One head, check, two arms, check, two legs, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and a dick…check! The mental inventory was accompanied by none other than physical reinforcement – reassurance that he hadn’t miscalculated. Incredulity agape at an inviolable vagina. My father, bless his heart, was, in fact, a whole, intact human-being. Again, I implore you to imagine the look on his face when his nubile, young darling virgin angel regurgitated a four-armed screaming monstrosity from a bloodbath of viscera and ejected Rahu-progeny from the rancid womb of a whore. Hexenhammer the sanctimony! Pious Irreverent! Forsaken!
One hundred years ago and I still haven’t acquired the taste for taking-lives. I never knew my parents. Mother always had the better alibi. I was too young to stand for involuntary manslaughter – in the first-degree, but I’d enter a plea for temporary-insanity. Ask yourself, I pray thee, couldn’t you find yourself driven “temporarily” to desperate measures if you found the birth canal wholly inadequate for your arrival into this beautiful world? When sentience rushes into and through your consciousness and your psyche is forming its first selflessly-preservative thoughts. I beg you…consider the child. Innocent. Victimized by an act of horror and torturous agony – perpetuated by ravening lunacy – the innocence is lost even as Paradise was once Lost East of Eden.
Mother’s position is defensible if not demonstrably so even as she defenestrated my four-armed murderous love. Would that you – your purposed and purported supporters – would that you had terminated the life that dwelled within her…that now dwells within me. Father’s position, however, is patently flawed. Subsequent abandonment would prompt an inquiry into motivation. Available alibis? None. Hypothesis: When forced to endure ignominious defeat at the four-hands of his mysterious four-armed assailant he snapped. The poor man saw the size of the victim’s dick (which, even as an infant, would dwarf and engulf his own and inspire covetous resentment) and, in a fit of jealous rage and envious ire he capitulated to deep-seated emotional inadequacy and fled the scene of the crime.
Look inside yourself and ask, “What great boon is this?” Is this incredible member such a thing to be feared? For shame! The magnanimous phallus is a blessing upon the land and worthy of praise and laudation. Would such a thing chase you from your bedchamber? Certainly not if you had the means to cover it and keep it hidden from sight! The face of heaven is not for mortal purview. If you have the means, I beseech you, sheath the holy tool! Envelope and engulf the rod of god for it is the staff of the soul! Shield it from defiling forces and take it into your bosoms! Our redemption is at hand! The will of Osiris must be obeyed for the disembodied god has spoken! It is I, here, before you who brings prosperity to the land and harbingers fertility in the soil! Heed the sermon of your soul and come forth! What is Osiris without Isis? Unleash orgiastic emotions and harbor them no more! Free yourselves from the mind of Darkness and slough the mortal coil! The Serpent slithers! It is flaccid and lurid and wicked. The rod is straight, it pierces illusion, and penetrates the Darkness! It must be coaxed to life and strengthened to steel-hardened resolve! We are the implements of the gods! Embrace your destiny with me!!!
(Runeslinger whipped the gatherers into a crowded frenzy of sweat-streaked tangled limbs, and writhing undulating, intertwined masses – his four-armed, gargantuan bulk was the nexus of this humanoid-web of holy debauchery. With eight actions per melee he enjoyed a surplus of supple ministration and multi-tasked with the determination of a god.)
“It is an infantile superstition of the mind that virginity be thought a virtue and not the barrier between ignorance and knowledge.” – Magnus “Runeslinger” Voltaire